found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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