my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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