Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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