new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
