I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
