So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Randomize
