I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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