I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
