it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
