Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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