She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Drunk is not a location!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
