Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
