it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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