i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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