I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
