I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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