Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We had to coat check the pizza.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize