My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
