If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
