i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
