fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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