Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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