I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
