i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
