don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
