...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
