ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
