why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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