I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
