Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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