Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
