so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
