its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I want to fling myself into the sun
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
