I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize