Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
