Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
