walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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