i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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