we're blogging at a bar
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
