Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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