I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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