I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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