sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
