I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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