I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
