i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
