I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The Olympian is in my bed
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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