I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
