you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
