I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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