If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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