What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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