Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
