apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
