filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
