when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize