Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
