Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
