Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
