guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
