Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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