Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
