I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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