Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
