I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just threw up on my dentist
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
