My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Please don't give away my fajitas
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