after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize