good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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