sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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